There is something about looking through these past posts on my blog that fills me with joy and I don't want to forget all the good things now too! Therefore, I must begin writing again!
I am listening to Eleanor Wachtel interview Edwidge Danticat, the brilliant Haitian American author who wrote a
book I read in Book Club several years ago on Mindy's recommendation. Calvin is at a late meeting and both of my beautiful boys are cozy, sleeping in their beds upstairs. I have yet to do the dishes from supper but we sat down as a family and ate a meal. There is a
chocolate olive oil cake with three slices missing next to the laptop, I can hear the sound of my clocks ticking behind me and I feel happy thinking about my life. My days are often filled with the frustrations of a caregiver; I struggle to change a diaper on a strong and wiggling baby, I respond negatively to the request to watch "Transformers" for the tenth time but agree to "Daniel Tiger" or "Doc McStuffins", I debate what to do while the baby naps, I scroll through Instagram and Facebook and simultaneously feel connected to loved ones and bad about how my life compares to others on social media, I text friends and cook. I often wonder about how long we will live here. Sometimes it feels easier to imagine living here forever rather than trying to plan our "next move" even though we are so distant from family. I love being close enough to Toronto so that we can drive to visit Lindsay and Maddie and attend weddings, etc. I wonder what work I have ahead of me and whether or not I will pursue further formal education one day. I cry listening to the radio and seeing films that I love. I worry that my responses to art may be insensitive or out of touch. I worry about people I love. I hold grudges and strive to figure out what it means to forgive, set free, seek peace and reconciliation with others and myself. Hearing Calvin play piano and guitar and ukulele, especially when our boys are present, fills me with joy. Watching Gus take piano lessons and swim lessons gives me hope because he learns so quickly and has so much fun while he does it.
Today I read a post on
CupofJo.com where she described feeling a "Thin Slice of Joy" and I realized she had given me a word for what I experienced today while holding Gus and George in my lap during the opening song at our
Music Together Class. We sang, "Hello Everybody, so glad to see you" and I looked around at the other caregivers, holding the children in their trust, I could feel their hopes for them, feel their love for them and all of the sudden, the loneliness I often feel as a full time at home care giver to young children dissipated slightly, I felt important; my work felt valuable; my work felt seen. I felt this sense of connection and solidarity with all the other caregivers in the room, each of us just trying our best to foster loving atmospheres of growth for the children we care for…I got a little choked up and felt sustained in the work I do, which so often feels unnoticed and wearisome. It was a thin slice of joy…and now I have a name for it! XO
